The Logies

“The time has come,” the Walrus said, 

“to speak of many things; of shoes and ships,

and ceiling wax; of blogs and awards and things."

- Lewis Carroll

Ode to America

Here we stand, at the end of it all. 

12 weeks in total, it’s been a ball. 

I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, it changed my life. 

But now I dread to hear, “That’s a knife"

Because it means that I am then Down Under

When my reaction to returning is to hurl and chunder.

America, you suck; your laws are just dumb, 

but my goodness your land is sweet as a plum.

You have crime, guns, death and pain, 

But it merely spits when you call it rain.

Your president has not one bad habit;

which is more than I can say for our dear old Abbott.

Not one animal has tried to kill me here,

and every man and his dog brews their own beer.

So despite Imperial, Fahrenheit and your racist rednecks, 

I’ll always be endeared to my large paychecks. 

Your land is sublime; the mountains are great;

to die amongst them may well be my fate.

But for now I must leave; I cannot stay;

however my heart your nature forever will sway.

It’s over.

My last day, just after the presentation of my projects (which were about as late as they could put them - 3pm on Friday arvo), after it was all done and dusted, everything was finished, my mentor came up to me, stuck out his hand, and said, “Well, I’ll be the first to tell you … you’re fired."

This is it. 

The end. 

I feel sad.

So, now that we are here, at World’s End, I feel that thanks and a mention are owed to a few people who made a difference to my internship. 

Thus we come to the Logies. 

To the Americans who may not know, Logies are these funky Aussie awards for movies and such, and I feel like some people deserve one for their involvement here. 

So here we go:

To Wen Jia, who in 2013 nagged me into interviewing, and to Karl, who in 2014 referred me to Microsoft, I award the Logie for Most Helpful Friend. Seriously, guys, thanks heaps. 

To Jasmin, my second cousin/third cousin once removed/some relation, you helped me on my first day to get everything sorted, and gave me family for Christmas. I award thee the Logie for Helping An Obscure Relative. I am grateful.

To Microsoft, for giving me mad do$h and a job, etc, I award the Logie for Rich and Powerful Company. 

To the Kiwis: Jenna, Harley, Chris, Shay, Matt, Anna, Frank. You guys took me under your wing as a fresh intern. You raised me, cared for me, nurtured me. You taught me to hunt, and helped me make my first kill. 

Then I turned on you and slaughtered you all. 

For not learning from the mistake of the Aborigines, the American Indians and the Maoris, I award you guys the Logie for Most Trusting of a White Person in a Foreign Country. You’re welcome.

To Sarah, who did not trust me one bit after I took the time to convince her of drop bears (and then she got me to convince her officemates and friends). You were wary of literally anything I said or did after the drop bear conversation and branded me as untrustworthy, especially after all the spiders, and immediately suspected me if even the slightest thing seemed amiss. You also organized and ran each of the fantastic intern events that we had, and put up with our antics during them. 

You copped my pranks well, and then got me back fair and square, and what made it all the better was that I did not expect it. When I pranked you you were but a learner; now you contest with me for the title of True Master.

For learning from the Kiwis about trusting me, enduring our behavioral idiosyncrasies and us paying out your language and geographical knowledge whenever we could, for planning a return prank patiently and almost perfectly, to thee I award the Logie for Best Meta-Actor, because you acted like you acted like you cared. 

To dear William, my fellow Aussie (yeah, there were more, but his office was closest to mine, and we both hung out with the Kiwis a lot). We played cricket together, we played squash together, we beat Shay at both of these together. I award you the Logie for Best Supporting Stunt-Double, because you replaced me as the group’s token Australian idiot when I wasn’t there. 

To Travis, my dear mentor and Jedi Master. You accepted me as your padawan and taught me the ways of the Force. I will never forget your wise teachings like “When I eat an animal I want to be able to taste its soul”, and “We’re on the bleeding edge here, and there is so much blood."

I may have been annoying, bugging you about my build system every few minutes, and bugging your office by covering it in cockroaches and spiders, but you took this with grace, and called me a “lovable scamp”.

Despite all I did to scare you with the spiders and cockroaches, despite all my weird antics throughout the internship, the one thing I did that genuinely got was simply turning up to your office when your back was turned and standing in the doorway, and that was enough to scare you.

You were sufficiently weird that I actually had a hard time trying to out-weird you. You have taught me well, master. For this, you receive the Logie for Best Co-Star.

To my lunch team: Austen, Peter, Lui/Liu/Whatever, Harnoor, James, and The Other Guy Who Also Had Glasses. You guys got the gift you never knew you wanted: an Aussie intern. I think back to all the fun times we had - me paying out your retarded vernacular, you pointing out that actually it was me who was weird. Think of all that you have learned about Australia. For all the fun times, you lot receive the Logie for Best Supporting Actors, cos you at least acted convinced at the Aussies jokes I made.

To Omair, my dear roommate. You cooked for me, cleaned up after me, changed my nappies, tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight. For this, you receive the Logie for Most Unnecessary Coddling of an Adult. Seriously, dude, I told you to stop. 

To Lachlan Ford, who at one point had facial hair not only rivaling but surpassing, yes, dear readers, surpassing, mine. 

Then you shaved. 

I award you the Logie for Greatest Betrayal To One’s Own Species.

That was a fine mo’, man. It could have been framed. 

To Jess, the full-timer from Middle Earth who works down the hall from me. I give to thee not a Logie but a legacy - you’re from the “same region” as me. Continue my work of correcting their backwards language and sports, and making lunch time conversation as weird as possible.

To all of you, my dear readers, you have willingly put up with all my anti-American vitriol, my anti-Australian egalitarianism, and my awful jokes. I’m not going to give you an award, because you didn’t need to read this. If you feel like reading this blog deserves a medal, then go and stab your hand with a fork and buy a trophy for it. 

And now, the Golden Logie for the 2014/2015 Microsoft Internship goes to ...

...

...

...

Me. 

Cos I went and did the internship, that’s why. 

I wrote all those semicolons.

I did all that skiing and snowboarding. 

I visited all those funky places. 

I dueled the Unipiper.

I wrote every blog post and thought up almost every joke.

I got my own feature in Windows 10.

I met the Master Chief.

I drank all that juice, and reconstructed the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.

So stuff everyone else, it’s mine. 

(not that it means anything, of course)

Now here we stand at the end. 

I have no more to say … 

The internship is over. 

Go on, Australia - make my day.